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Sarah
sat with her head down and her hands on her lap doing her best impression of a
good Mennonite girl. This was her last church service before finally escaping
to university and it was seemingly taking forever. She knew there were things
she would miss about this place, but church was not one of them. She could
barely concentrate on what was being said and didn’t join in when everyone
ended the prayer with an “Amen”. It startled her and she looked up, hoping
nobody noticed. Of course her eldest brother spotted her daydreaming and was
now scowling at her. It isn’t such a big deal, it’s not like I killed someone,
she thought, but averted her eyes immediately. She wasn’t going to start a
stare down with Noah, the brother who most took after their stern father, she
was sure to lose. Three days, she reassured herself, closed her eyes and
fought the urge to slip back into fantasy. I’ll be long gone in three days.
She
opened her eyes and tried her best to suppress a yawn. This drew the attention
of her mother who shot her a sideways look of disappointment that froze Sarah
in her seat. Sarah kept perfectly still during the rest of the sermon, ignoring
the trickle of sweat sliding down her spine and the crazy itch on her knee. She
vowed to be the perfect daughter for once if it killed her, she could do this.
After
service her mother pulled her aside and whispered “Remember to invite the
people we talked about” in a fierce voice. Sarah’s family was having a going
away party for her that afternoon and in their small Mennonite community it was
considered extremely rude if she didn’t personally invite each and every guest.
Sarah hated standing out though, she survived her family by hiding from them as
much as possible, and public events by disappearing into the background. The
thought of approaching several people she’d known her entire life sent her into
a near panic, she just didn’t do well with others. The stupid thing was that
they all knew about the party, she was just being forced to uphold some old
tradition for the sake of her family’s reputation. It isn’t even in the
Bible, somebody just made it up some time and it stuck.
Sarah
was exhausted by the time they drove home. Her mouth was dry and her hands were
clammy. Come on body, how does this even make sense? Her mother spoke
nonstop about the upcoming event and her father drove slowly, staring ahead and
barely responding, only supplying the occasional grunt in agreement when he
deemed it necessary. Sarah’s stomach twisted and growled, drawing the attention
of her little sister Rebecca.
“You
never make it a single Sunday without your stomach going crazy!” Rebecca giggled
and pointed at her noisy midsection. Rebecca was a bright and bubbly 14 year
old, the baby of the family. She also had an iron disposition and could manage
the traditional Mennonite Sunday fast with ease. Sarah, on the other hand,
always felt weak and shaky by the time they were able to eat their one large
meal in the afternoon.
Sarah’s
mom turned around and snapped “Girls, settle down! You’ll eat when it’s time.”
Sarah
looked at Rebecca across the back seat and suppressed a giggle. It never
failed, this exact thing played out every Sunday. Sarah thought she might
not miss many of her family when she was gone but she would definitely miss
Rebecca.
*****
“Sarah,
you’re not stirring. Pay attention or you’ll ruin it.” Sarah’s mother broke
through her daydream. She had been imagining her first day of school, wondering
what the classrooms look like and if she could handle the transition from high
school to university.
“Yes
mom, I’m sorry,” she replied and began stirring the pot of plumamoos, a hot fruit soup that was popular at most Mennonite
gatherings. She loved the flavours, but hated the work that went into producing
it. Sarah had a bit of a lazy reputation among her siblings. It wasn’t that she
hated work, she just preferred to be curled up somewhere away from the crowded
house with her face in a book. She was addicted to reading and usually snuck
books home from her high school library on a daily basis. That was the one
positive thing about being forced to attend public school in her ankle length skirts
and hand sewn blouses.
Sarah
grimaced, still stirring, and fought the urge to slip into her daydreams again.
Her back ached and she was dripping sweat, it was hot outside and even hotter
in the kitchen. She heard the back door slam shut and the loud piercing voices
of her nieces and nephews. Each of Sarah’s five older brothers had married
young, and married well. Their wives were all dutiful and were working on
overpopulating the planet, sometimes two at a time if you consider David’s wife
Mary and her set of twins. Sarah shot them all a warning glare, that she wasn’t
in the mood to be teased today, but nobody caught it and all the kids raced
past her one by one, taking swipes at her skirt on the way. If only she had the
backbone to stand up to any of them, but all her brothers were like small
clones of her father with the same long, disapproving faces and downturned
mouths. Their children were bratty because they knew that they could get away
with it, nobody took Sarah seriously.
“So
the big day is coming soon,” said Mary, her overpopulating sister in law as she
approached the stove. She was 25 and far along in her fourth pregnancy. “I hope
you find what you’re looking for, I really do.” She reached out and touched
Sarah’s arm, there was a flash of something in her eyes. Was that longing?
“I
don’t know if I’m looking for anything necessarily. I am just happy that mom
and dad are giving me this chance,” Sarah replied, hoping she kept her words
modest enough. She didn’t want to be seen as bragging about her education. It
was unseemly and she was still afraid her parents would change their minds.
“I’m
sure you’ll find something though, how could you not with such an amazing
opportunity?” Mary said, rubbed her stomach and sat down at the kitchen table.
She started stuffing the perogies Sarah’s mom was rolling out and cutting.
Potato and cheese, Sarah’s stomach growled again, both women looked up from
their work at the sound. Mary laughed, Sarah’s mother frowned.
“She’d
better find a husband fast,” her mother said. “Before he finds out how much
this one eats and how many meals she burns.”
“I’ll
treat my husband like a God,” Sarah said, feeling a little sassy, “I’ll give
him burnt offerings.”
Mary
laughed and said “Sarah! You are so funny!”
Her
mother looked at her, pursed her lips and muttered “Such rudeness. Lord please
help this child of mine find a strong hand to guide her.”
Sarah
lowered her head and got back to stirring, her stomach protesting the entire
time.
*****
Once,
when they were 13, Sarah and her best friend Naomi snuck in to see a movie at
the small theatre in town. Most Mennonites didn’t ban things like music or
movies, but Sarah’s family wasn’t like most Mennonites. They were old school
fundamentalists, like ‘Amish Lite’ as Naomi would say and laugh. Most
Mennonites dressed like normal people...well, almost normal, their pants always
seemed a bit too long and their shirts a bit outdated, but mostly they blended
in. Sarah’s mother insisted in hand making everything the kids wore, except for
underwear and the yearly sensible shoe purchase.
The
movie was magical, Sarah could still close her eyes and get back to that place.
The actors were beyond good looking, the popcorn was perfection and the
vibrating bass of the speakers was almost too much. She didn’t remember exactly
what the movie was, some action thriller filled with explosions, cars and lots
of passionate kissing. At this moment though, there was one scene that stood
out for her. The heroine had just survived an assassin hit and was sitting in
the middle of Times Square Station looking off kilter and out of sorts. The
crowd of people passed around her in slow motion, completely oblivious to her
suffering as they went about their business. They were filmed in sepia, the
heroine was in bright colour.
Sarah
felt like that heroine right now. The house was packed with people who were
supposedly there to send her off. This was possibly the last time she would see
some of them for months or even years, and not one of them talked to her. She
was hunched in a cloud of misery on the living room sofa, half eaten plate of
food on her knees and a bundle of nervous snakes squirming in her stomach. She
couldn’t eat, she felt invisible and she wondered if she would ever come back
here again.
She
got up and walked through the crowd to the kitchen. A couple of people made
small sounds of congratulations in her direction as she passed, but she kept
walking. She set her plate on the table and turned to head outside. On the way
out she heard Old Milly, their closest neighbor, ask her mother “Is she ok?
Should I go after her?”
“She’s
fine. If anything she could do with eating less. She’ll end up a chubby little
thing by the time she’s thirty,” her mother laughed. “Hopefully she’ll be long
married by then.”
“Oh
Edith, you don’t have to worry about that one, she’s pretty. She will have no
problems finding a husband.”
Sarah
shut the door behind her and balled her fists to keep herself from screaming.
It had been a lifetime of this, always being picked apart because she couldn’t
shell peas or bake a perfect loaf of bread. The days spent listening to her
mother tell her “You’ll never find a husband if you can’t do this or that...”
and the nights spent hiding under her covers reading and dreaming, her passions
surfacing like fevers, burning brightly at night to disappear in the light of
day.
She
ran past the main barn to the west pasture and lay down in the middle of it,
letting the sun warm her face and the light turn everything golden. A few cows
stared at her, curious, but went back to chewing grass when they realized she
was just visiting their world, not intruding on it. She felt the grass under
her body, cool and moist, and allowed the buzzing sound of grasshoppers calm
her mind. Three more days, that’s all you have to wait, she reminded
herself. Three more days and all of this will be your past, but not your
future. She reached down and hiked her skirt up to her thighs to help
herself cool off, savouring the kiss of the breeze on her bare skin. She smiled
imagining her mother’s reaction to finding her daughter, grinning and exposing
herself in the middle of the cow pasture. Sarah wondered where she had tipped
off the path of righteousness and ended up becoming so argumentative. Even now
she was full of crazy thoughts and ideas. She imagined herself reaching down
and sliding her fingers into her underwear, rubbing until she hit the forbidden
sweet release she had been craving so much lately. She felt sometimes as though
she was in a constant state of arousal with all her urges and desires, for
knowledge, for experience...for sex. I wonder what it’s like, to lay with a
man. She whispered “Kiss me, I’m yours” to the wind and closed her eyes.
She felt like she was floating away and grabbed a hand full of grass to keep
herself tethered to the earth. Where did this overwhelming longing for more
come from?
Ten
years ago Sarah walked into the public library when she was supposed to be
picking up eggs from her mother’s friend who worked in town. Their chickens had
been moulting so her mother grudgingly decided to buy some, handed Sarah a
crumpled wad of bills and explained where she could meet Faith. Faith had
recently lost her husband and was forced to get a job as a receptionist at an
insurance company to cover the bills. The women in the church would tsk tsk
like it was a bad thing, but Sarah secretly thought Faith radiated happiness
now.
She
got to the insurance place to find Faith was on her lunch break. The lady at
the reception desk suggested she spend the hour in the library next door where
it was cool. Sarah’s heart had jumped, guilt flooded her, but she couldn’t
possibly resist. Most Mennonites were completely fine with their children
reading anything they wanted, but Sarah’s mother took offense to Sarah wanting
to read anything other than what was already in their house, and Sarah could
only read the Bible so many times.
She
still thanked God for those stupid moulting chickens. She made friends with the
librarian that day and got her own library card. A few months later she picked
up what she thought was a novel and was instantly hooked on the field of human
evolution. She knew about it from taking science at school, but it was
considered a false testimony in her house so she never paid much attention. The
book she found was about Lucy, an early human ancestor, from that moment on
just the word australopithecine made her happy, the way it rolled off
the tongue. She imagined this is what prayer was supposed to feel like, the
same connection and magic she got when reciting lists of early hominid species.
The idea of God had never really taken hold, she always assumed she was
unworthy, that her lazy mind prevented a meaningful connection. She would often
glance around at church and envy the looks of pure joy on people’s faces when they
felt filled with the holy spirit. Sarah was a much more logical thinker and the
idea that we were all created on the whim of a vengeful being a few thousand
years ago unsettled her. It was much more comforting to imagine yourself with a
deep, millennium old biological connection to every living thing on earth. If
her parents knew this is how she felt, they would be devastated so she kept
these things to herself. She hid her science magazines the way her wayward
brother Elijah hid his Playboys, out in the barn in the tack room, underneath a
bin of grain. It was their one shared connection.
After
Lucy there came other books about evolution, paleoanthropology, archaeology. If
it was old and involved digging stuff up, she was all over it. The librarian
would special order journals for Sarah to devour along with the usual texts and
books. It became her entire life and filled a hole that she didn’t realize was
there.
Three
more days, I can do this, she thought as she
pulled her skirt down and sat up. She looked around at the wide open field, the
green grass blowing in the wind and the big eyed cows grazing their lives away.
Three more days and I can leave the pasture, I don’t have to be a big eyed
cow sold off to my future husband. I can do this.
She
walked back to the house, some of the party guests were already leaving and the
sound of choppy laughter flowed over the yard. She sighed, brushed herself down
again, and went back in to face her family.
Chapter Two
Sarah
flipped her hair back and thought once again about getting a pixie cut. If she
didn’t have such a baby face she might be able to pull it off. Sadly she lacked
the cheekbones for it, but at least she had stopped braiding her long hair and
now let it hang free. At the moment the wind was not agreeing with her decision
and she had to pull hair out of her eyes before she tripped and landed on her
face. It also worried her that her parents would kill her if she cut it all
off, and even though she'd successfully fled to BC, she was still concerned about
their reactions if they found out. Up until she and Naomi actually boarded the
bus a little over a week ago, she hadn't been convinced they would ever let her
go. It all worked out though, and here she was, rushing across the university
for her first day of classes.
She
did stumble on the stairs going up to the Academic Quadrangle, she was wearing
a long hand sewn blue cotton skirt with a buttoned up white blouse and flat
canvas sneakers. She realized now that she looked alarmingly like a character
from one of her favorite book series, Little House on the Prairie. Her parents
still dictated her wardrobe, although at 18 and out from under their thumbs,
she was now determined to start buying her own clothing. She passed a beautiful
girl with short black hair, a short skirt, knee high leather boots and dark
made up eyes. She turned her head and almost tripped again. She felt like an
idiot, staring, but yeah, she really needed to update her church mouse
wardrobe. Those boots...those gorgeous boots!
Simon
Fraser University itself was a series of blunt, grey concrete buildings set in
steps down the gentle slope of Burnaby Mountain. It was designed in the sixties
by architect Arthur Erickson, and was considered one of the pinnacle
achievements of his career. Sarah researched the university before their move
and devoured every brochure they had given her in the student services
building. She came up here a few days ago to map out her classrooms and figure
out which bus stop to get off at. She and Naomi had wandered the quiet campus
and marveled at the architecture and sweeping views of the mountains to the
North and Vancouver to the South. It was exhilarating to be here, on her own,
pursuing her dreams.
She
pushed a glass door open and walked through the large hallway on the way to the
lecture theatre. Her first class, Archaeology 101, was an introductory course
focusing on physical anthropology, and taught by a professor she had been
reading about for years. He was an expert in the field of human evolution and she
could not wait to see him in person. She almost wished she had brought one of
his books for an autograph, she was that excited.
She
found the lecture theatre with no problem and walked down the stairs to settle
down near the front. She noticed most of her classmates were clustered at the
back, at the top near the exit, she worried that she had taken a seat in a
reserved section. Do they even have a reserved section in a classroom?
She thought, glancing around. This wasn’t church after all, she could probably
sit where she wanted. I hope.
She
set up her laptop, turned and scanned the room, trying her best to look
nonchalant. Everybody looked so young and fashionable, would she ever fit in
with these people? She noticed one guy in the back at the top staring at her. No,
he isn’t staring at me, is he? She smoothed her hair and tried to look at
him out of the corner of her eye. He really is gorgeous, she thought and
felt small thrill course through her body as she tried her best not to stare
back. She could tell he was tall, his long legs stretched into the aisle and he
has his thick, muscular arms crossed in front of him. He was the picture of
easy confidence, her total opposite. He had tanned skin, darker than she was
used to, with black hair that he had carefully worked to look messy and spiked.
The most amazing thing about him though were his tattoos. She could see black
tribal designs twisting and curling from his wrists and continued up his arms
to under his t shirt. She wondered where they ended and thought about how broad
and muscular his chest must be, was it patterned with dark images as well?
Sarah had been obsessed with tattoos ever since a rebellious boy from a good
family had run away and come back covered in them. She never found that boy
good looking until he was tattooed, but they had added an air of mysterious bad
boy to him. She never did find out if he was a bad boy, but she briefly thought
about exploring that with this guy.
Sarah
felt a red heat creeping up her face when she realized she had been staring
just a few moments too long. The hot guy leaned forward and gestured, waving at
her and smiling. She couldn’t believe it, was he really waving at her? This is
crazy! She was already dying to tell Naomi all about it. She was looking at him
directly now and waved back, a timid swipe of her hand. She saw his expression
turn to confusion. He shook his head and pointed behind her. She turned around
the other way and saw a gorgeous blonde girl laughing, the one he was waving
at.
Sarah
felt her heart stop and her stomach drop, leaden and cold in her middle. She
faced forward and hunched over, absolutely crushed and humiliated. Why on
earth would I think he was waving at me? She felt like such an idiot and
didn’t know how she would get through the rest of the day. She felt a sharp
pang of homesickness and for the first time questioned her decision to branch
out away from her family. The gorgeous blonde girl ran past her, giggling and
squealing along the way, Sarah saw her jump into his lap. Somebody kill me
now, she thought, why did I have to choose the front of the classroom?
It would be impossible to sneak out at this point.
The
door swung open with a clatter and the professor entered, he paused for
dramatic effect at the stop of the stairs, scanned the crowd and strode down to
the front. He was tall with a lean muscular body, greying dark hair and
piercing blue eyes. I never imagined he’d be so young...and good looking!
She leaned forward to watch him pass. He was carrying an armload of books and
bones, and deposited them all on the table at the front with the thump.
“Good
morning my enthusiastic young learners, my name is Dr. Adam Summers, but you
all can call me Adam. I’m impressed you all chose a class at nine in the
morning. Either you really are eager to learn, or you want to get your day over
with so you can hit the pub by noon,” he grinned and her classmates tittered.
He had an British accent that made Sarah’s toes curl with excitement. Compared
to the home grown Albertan farm boys she knew, he seemed positively exotic.
Sarah
looked down when he made eye contact with her, he said “I’m glad to see some of
you do seem genuinely enthusiastic. Did you know that studies have proven over
eighty percent of the A level students in any given course sit front and
centre?” A nervous hush went through her classmates. “You had better show up
early next class, young lady,” he said directly to Sarah, flashing a killer
smile, “I think you’ll find you have a small crowd vying for your spot.” He
winked, Sarah was sure she was as bright red as an Atlantic lobster by now.
After what felt like hours, he turned, walked to the front of the class and
pulled down a large white screen. She thought she heard the gorgeous blonde
laugh as he set up the projector. She didn’t think she could slide any lower
into her seat, but she tried.
The
lecture was progressing smoothly, Sarah was captivated by Dr. Summers, Adam
he said to call him Adam, but still horrified by the embarrassing mistake
she made with the waving. She hated being singled out, even among her siblings
back home, but in front of a class of 50 strangers? She didn’t know how she was
going to survive. Luckily Adam was an excellent speaker, and time went by
faster than she could have hoped. When it was over, she took her time packing
up, letting the rest of the class leave before her so she didn’t have to face
Mr Hot and the gorgeous blonde...or any of the others who might have laughed at
her expense.
“Excuse
me, Miss, could you come over here?” She looked up, surprised that Adam was
speaking directly to her. He was holding the projector and his briefcase, all
the books and bones were still on the table.
“You
mean me?” she asked, not wanting to make that same mistake twice.
“Yes,
please, what’s your name?”
“Sa,
Sa, Sarah, Sir.”
“SaSaSarah,
remember, call me Adam.” He flashed that amazing smile again, and Sarah wanted
to climb under a seat and hide. “Could you help me with these things? I can’t
possibly carry everything back to my office, and my TA seems to have forgotten
where he’s meant to be.” His accent really was dreamy and his eyes were
mesmerising.
“Sure,
I guess,” she mumbled and picked up her backpack.
“If
I’m being a terrible inconvenience to you, I could always call for assistance,”
he said, frowning slightly and looking at his watch.
“Oh,
no, not at all. I’m sorry. I’m just nervous, it’s my first day.”
“Well
SaSaSarah, you don’t need to be nervous around me...I don’t bite,” he said with
that incredible smile and Sarah allowed herself to look for a half a second, it
was like looking into the sun. She managed to return a small smile in return
before she glanced away.
He
loaded her arms with books and bones that turned out to be casts of early
hominid fossil species. Sarah felt honoured to be entrusted with such a task,
her parents would be angry to know she was delving in human evolution, but she
couldn’t help herself. They believed she would be focusing on Biblical
archaeology, and thought she could work somewhere in Jordan helping to prove
their belief that God created the entire world a few thousand years ago. Sarah
always felt dirty, lying to them, but her curiosity to learn overrode any guilt
they might impose.
She
trailed behind him through the Department of Archaeology, waiting patiently
while he stopped to chat up the secretary and check his mail. The secretary
smiled at Sarah and introduced herself as Maya, this small gesture made Sarah’s
presence seem real somehow, as though she was meant to be there, she was meant
to study archeology. She felt much more relaxed by the time they got to Adam’s
office, it was isolated at the end of the hall past a series of labs. He
excused the long trek, and explained that he had no tenure, so he ended up with
the farthest spot from the main office.
Once
inside, he asked her to stack the bones and books up on a high shelf, and she
had the distinct feeling that he was watching her as she stretched. This
unsettled her and she fumbled, almost dropping one of the precious fossil
casts. Adam was there immediately, catching it and pressing himself against her
inadvertently. She felt his hard body touching hers, she blushed again and
pulled away. Adam laid the cast on a shelf and asked her to sit, as though
nothing had happened, as though he hadn’t just been in total contact with her
body moments before. I’m being foolish, she thought to herself, he’s
a professional, he deals with prettier girls every day, of course he’s not
hitting on me. I doubt my floor length Laura Ingalls skirt is giving him a hard
on.
“Would
you like some tea, SaSa...ok, I know, that’s getting old,” he laughed. “Sarah,
would you care for a cup of tea? I have this amazing Nepalese blend I picked up
in Kathmandu this summer. You have to try it.” He started packing loose tea
leaves in a strainer, set it in his small clay teapot and turned the kettle on.
She
glanced at her watch, over an hour until her next class, “I would like that, if
you want.” She was surprised her voice had come out so smoothly. Here she was
sitting across the desk from one of her academic idols like it happened every
day.
He
leaned back in his chair, stretched his arms and settled his hands behind his
head and said “Of course I do, I like to make time for all my students,
especially first years. I feel it is important for them to feel a connection to
the faculty. I still remember how I felt, my first year. It was a terrifying
experience." He noticed Sarah’s skeptical look and laughed. “Oh come on,
I’m not that old, I can still remember that far back.”
Oh
my god, I’ve offended him. “That’s not what I
meant,” Sarah replied, horrified. “I mean it’s hard to imagine somebody like
you being scared of anything.” The kettle came to a boil and clicked off, Sarah
jumped and hoped he hadn’t noticed. Why am I afraid of my own shadow? Suck it
up Sarah, as Naomi always tells me. Adam poured steaming water over
the strainer, filling the little pot. He pulled two small tea cups from a
drawer in his desk and continued talking.
“Oh
believe me, I’ve been scared Sarah. Fieldwork is not all fun and games. I remember
when I was conducting research for my PhD in Kenya, our camp was raided by
bandits. We were already annoying the locals, always hanging around asking
questions about bones and such. None of them would help us. We ended up walking
back to the nearest town, it took three days. You haven’t known fear until
you’ve spent a night or two camping on the open savannah with nothing to
protect you. Lions and tigers and bears, oh my!”
Sarah
gasped, her brain couldn’t even place herself in such a situation, it would
have been so terrifying.
“Oh
don’t look so frightened, Sarah, you know how the story ends, spoiler alert...I
made it out alive,” he chuckled and reached for the tea pot. He filled each cup
with the amber liquid and handed Sarah hers. She wrapped her hands around it
and put it to her lips, not drinking, but breathing in the steam that curled
around the top. It smelled earthy, like a freshly ploughed field after a spring
rain. She said so just then, and Adam laughed, throwing his head back, his
smile wide and beautiful. She felt extremely naive and unschooled, completely
out of her element. Is he laughing at me?
“Sarah,
you are a treat. You know I see hundreds of students, hundreds of young girls
come parading through my classes year after year. They all look the same, think
the same. I have to say, you are a refreshing change. Do you mind me asking
where you’re from? What’s your background? I detect the smallest of accents if
I’m not mistaken.”
She
shifted in the chair and looked away. Sarah had worked for years to erase any
hint of an accent from her speech and she was appalled that he had picked up on
it. “I’m from Alberta, a little Mennonite community in the south,” she said, “and
I know, my clothes are weird and I talk funny, I’ve heard it my whole life.”
“I
didn’t mean it like that Sarah, I’m sorry if I offended you,” he leaned across
his desk, holding his hands out. “Forgive me if I’ve upset you.”
“No,
it’s my fault, I’m too sensitive." She felt like a fool, making a mountain
out of a molehill. "I really should go,” Sarah said and got up too
quickly, almost spilling her tea when she set it down on the desk. He called
after her, but she fled, too embarrassed to stay and see his worried
expression. God, I’m such a freak, what is wrong with me, her inner critic
scolded. She walked past the office, barely managing to return the kind
secretary’s greeting as she kept her head down. She just wanted to race back
down the mountain and hide out in her bed for the rest of the day. She couldn’t
though, History 121, Ancient Rome, was next, and English 101 after that. Her
day was full, and she couldn’t duck out of anything. She paused in an alcove
and regained her composure. I’ve got
this, I can do this, Sarah told herself until she began to believe it
again.
*****
Sarah
opened the apartment door and hung her jacket up on the hook in the hallway.
She was tired, it was only three in the afternoon on her first day and she
already had course work to do. The rest of her day had gone well, but she was
still grateful to be home. She and Naomi found a good deal on a two bedroom
apartment just at the base of the mountain, a short bus ride to the university.
The building was old, built in the sixties, and slightly dilapidated, but it
was perfect for the two girls. Sarah had given Naomi the larger room near the
entrance, and she had taken the smaller room to the front, with the large sunny
window and a little more privacy. They had gone out last week to buy a few
scattered furnishings from the Army and Navy thrift store, her room had an old
dresser, a comfy faux velvet chair and a double mattress on the floor. They had
decided to wait until their student loans came in to buy new clothes, but after
today, she wished they had gotten the clothing first.
She
dropped her backpack on the bed, flopped onto the mattress and ran the day’s
events through her mind.
Two
things were at the forefront, Mr. Hot and Adam, each of them represented a
point of humiliation and attraction for Sarah. Mr. Hot was like nobody she had
ever seen, with his chiseled jaw, muscled body, and those crazy beautiful
tattoos snaking along his dark skin. What would happen if I brought him home
for family dinner? she grimaced
imaging her parent’s reactions to such an exotic man. Adam was charming,
but he was off limits as her professor and idol. Still, she couldn’t help
herself from picturing his brilliant smile and the familiar way he spoke to her
in his office. He made her feel so welcome in archaeology, she needed that
after her embarrassing mix up with Mr. Hot. It had been an interesting first
day, and meeting not one, but two attractive men was completely unexpected. If you can just loosen up and stop being
such an insecure freak, this might be a good year after all.
She
rolled over and pulled out her laptop. Her first assignment was for her Roman
class, a short essay on the Roman emperor of her choice. She had some research
to do. First off though, a quick survey of the faculty website, she needed to
read Adam’s bio again now that she had met him. His photo was stunning, he was
standing in the middle of an excavation pit, his smile wide and charming. Why
did I not notice how cute he was before today? She must have had her
Mennonite blinders on. In the photo he had a shovel in one hand, and a
screening tripod was set up just behind him. She wondered where the excavation
had taken place, the photo was recent, possibly from the summer. Hadn’t he
mentioned Tibet in the summer? She wondered what kind of amazing life he lived,
travel, excavations, and exotic people. She sighed and dared to imagine herself
with him for a moment, by his side on his adventures. She already felt like a
wild thing escaping her strict community, but daring to dream of other
countries made her palms sweaty. She didn’t even have it in her to imagine what
they would be like on her own, she needed the safety of being with Adam,
somebody who had already done it, was already skilled and confident.
She
heard Naomi come in, jumped up and yelled “Hey” as she went to see her. Naomi
tossed her backpack and jacket on the floor, Sarah bent down to hang them on
the hooks near the front entrance.
“Oh
Sarah, you don’t have to pick up after me, your mom’s not around to bitch you
out over every little mess,” Naomi said.
“I
know! It’s just a force of habit. I’ll get dirty soon enough, don’t worry,”
Sarah replied, wishing she was carefree enough to not be bothered by little
messes stacking up here and there. It did bother her though, maybe not just
because of her mother’s influence, but mainly because if she could keep her
surroundings neat then Sarah felt like she was in some semblance of control.
She watched her friend grab a bottle of water from the fridge and take a long
drink, then leave the half full bottle on the counter. Sarah fought her urge to
pick it up and put it back in. Naomi noticed and said “Just let go Sarah, lose
control, be a wild thing and leave that damn bottle of water on the counter…you
can do it!”
Sarah
laughed and said “Ok, I promise I won’t touch it,” although her fingers
practically twitched, betraying her urge to put things in their place. Sarah
envied Naomi’s confidence, she didn’t seem to be bothered by much, if anything.
Naomi already fit in with the normal world, her style was taken from her
favorite decade, the eighties, but she had a contemporary flair that made it
work. She was tall, had red hair, green eyes and a lithe body with a cat like
confidence. People always said she was the kind of girl you could drape a horse
blanket on and it would look couture. Funny, I don’t even know exactly what
couture means. I’ll have to Google it later so I can drop it in
conversation. Today Naomi had chosen
skinny jeans, high heeled granny boots and an oversized sweatshirt, off the
shoulder with her bra strap showing. Sarah stared at the bright pink strap and
wondered if she would ever be comfortable showing off a bra strap, let alone a
pink one. Naomi caught her looking, rolled her eyes and said “Sarah, for real,
we have to get you some new clothes. Let’s go celebrate student loan money and
go shopping. Lougheed Mall is a few minutes away, you can tell me all about
your first day as a wide eyed Mennonite girl alone in the big bad world.”
Sarah
nodded, grabbed her purse, and they left. If anyone else had mentioned Sarah’s
outdated clothes, she would have retreated into her room and been too hurt to
come out. She knew Naomi had the best of intentions, so it didn’t bother her.
She had known Naomi longer than almost anyone. The first time they met was in
church daycare when they were around three. Even then Naomi had been wilder
than the rest of them, and it had just gotten worse as they grew. Once they hit
grade seven, Naomi starting driving everyone crazy with her constant questions
and demands to know the answers from church elders. Sarah would shrink away from
Naomi’s angry queries, explanations for everything from evolution to gay
marriage, but she would quietly cheer her friend on when she was arguing with
an adult. It was partly Naomi’s idea that Sarah come to SFU to study, she knew
how much Sarah loved archaeology and knew if she stayed back home, her parents
would marry her off, expect her to start having babies and work the farm. Sarah
thought of herself as lucky for being able to escape, and have the support of a
friend like Naomi.
They
wandered through the mall looking for sales on clothes that were Naomi
approved. It was tough, they only had their student loans and small family
allowances to live on so they had to be frugal. Naomi seemed to have a built in
radar to like the most expensive items, but they had fun looking. A couple of
hours later, Sarah had the basics for a decent look, several makeup products
she didn’t know what to do with yet, a new pair of low heeled shoes, and the
most amazing pair of knee high boots with brown butter soft leather and a 2
inch heel. The highest she had ever attempted. She couldn’t wait to get home,
trim her hair, learn some basic makeup application, try on her clothes and
learn how to walk in her new boots. They stopped at the Sobeys for a few
groceries, Naomi threw in a bottle of Tylenol and said “You’ll need these for
your feet, until you get used to the heels.”
They
paid for their items and headed home. “So you never did tell me much about your
day, I’ve been talking your ear off,” Naomi said as they were crossing the
street. "You're always so quiet Sarah, don't let me steam roller
you."
“It's
ok, you know I love your stories,” she said. It was true, Naomi talked enough
for both of them, it allowed Sarah time to carefully observe people or get lost
in her own thoughts. “My day was pretty good, I like two out of three classes
so I count myself lucky. English is a bore, but I’ll live. There is a hot guy
in my first class, but I was a total dork and embarrassed myself.”
“Awe,
come on, I’m sure he didn’t even notice. You are so adorable, you have a rockin
body and have this whole ‘don’t realize how hot you are’ thing going on. Guys
eat that shit up,” Naomi reassured her. “Besides, after tonight, you’ll know
how to show it off and he won’t even care about today.”
“Well
he would have noticed this, I waved at him thinking he was waving at me. Yeah,
turns out he wasn’t and I looked like an idiot. The gorgeous blonde he was
waving at thought so, she was laughing at me the entire class.”
“Who
cares what a stuck up bitch thinks, right? Any other guys on your radar? Now
that you’re free from your crazy family, I am dying to get you hooked up!”
“Not
really...well...Adam is pretty attractive, but I wouldn’t call him hot. He’s
sophisticated, dashing, handsome...dreamy,” Sarah smiled.
Naomi
came to a complete stop right in front of their building. She looked at Sarah
and demanded “Tell me everything! You met a dreamy guy and withheld the info?
That’s a crime, I’m sure of it.”
“Ok!
Ok! He’s not really a guy though, he’s my archaeology professor, and he’s
gorgeous.”
“Oh.
Your prof, that doesn’t count then. Let’s get inside and get you made up.”
Sarah
trailed behind her, savouring the moment. She waited until Naomi had pushed the
elevator button for their floor and said “He invited me back to his office for
tea though.”
Naomi
spun around and yelled “Get out! You fucked your prof on the first day?” Naomi
loved being melodramatic and it always made Sarah laugh.
The
elevator door slid open and an elderly lady with a poodle on a leash stepped
out, glaring at them as she passed. They got on the elevator and Sarah said
“Naomi! Keep your voice down. Oh my god, now that woman thinks I’m a total
slut! And no, I did not...ahem..sleep with him, we just talked. I messed that
up too though.”
“Sleep
with? What are you? Ten years old?” Naomi teased. “Come on, you can say it,
fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. Just say it Sarah, your mommy and daddy are
hundreds of miles away.”
“Uh,
I can say it, I just don’t want to, ok?”
“Come
on...just once, just for me. I don’t think I’ve ever heard you swear. You’re
the kind of girl who wouldn’t say shit if your mouth was full of it!”
“Gross
Naomi! That’s a disturbing image. And I do swear, just not around people that
much,” Sarah fibbed. She never really swore but she thought this was as good a
time as any to start. She took a deep breath and exclaimed “FUCK! There you go.
FUCK! FUCK!” It was rather liberating to let it out.
The
elevator stopped and the door opened on their floor. An older well-dressed
Asian man shot them a weird look as he got on and they got off.
Naomi
was laughing so hard by now that she had tears rolling down her face. “Oh my
god, the whole building is going to think we’re slutty girls with mouths like
sailors!”
Sarah
had to laugh with her, it was funny, their bad timing. Her whole day had been
about bad timing and errors, but sharing them with Naomi made them all seem
harmless.
They
were unpacking the groceries and talking about making dinner when Naomi said “Don’t
think you’re off the hook by the way, I need to know everything about sexy Adam
the professor. You lucked out, there are no hotties in my classes. Maybe I’ll
find some when I get into pre-law, all those sexy lawyers and all.” It occurred
to Sarah that she had never seen Naomi dating, she knew that Naomi must have
fooled around when they were in high school, but didn’t even know her type.
“He
is pretty sexy. He’s older, obviously, like in his thirties at least. He’s
tall, maybe six two, with dark hair and blue eyes. He’s got some grey hair too,
salt and pepper I think it’s called?” Naomi nodded and Sarah continued, “well,
after making a fool of myself, I waited until everybody left. Adam asked me to
help him move some things to his office and then offered me tea. We were
talking, he was telling me about being attacked by bandits in Africa, then he
upset me.”
“Oh
no, what did he say?”
“He
didn’t say anything really. He just asked about my accent, but I overreacted. I
got embarrassed and left his office, I feel so stupid Naomi. How can I face him
again next class?”
“With
your total makeover, he won’t even recognize you! You’ll get your second
chance, with the Mr. Hot and professor Adam. Now let’s work on your model
walk.”
No
matter how low Sarah felt, Naomi could always pull her out of it and make everything
right again. When they were little, they had been teased at elementary school
for dressing funny and using weird words. Mennonite families often spoke a form
of German at home, so that was their first language. By high school things were
worse, Sarah had become the target of one group of girls who took great
pleasure in making her life a hell. If it hadn’t been for Naomi, she didn’t
know how she would have survived those last few years. Sarah’s response to
being tripped or called fucking bitch on a daily basis was to retreat into her
own hidden world of fantasy. Naomi’s response was to call them worse names and
push them harder. She ended up gaining an uneasy acceptance with the popular
crowd, and was even invited to their parties from time to time. Sarah always
declined tagging along with Naomi, even if they weren’t attacking her, those
kinds of girls terrified Sarah. The gorgeous blonde in the classroom today had
reminded her of those kinds of girls, it hurt doubly that Mr. Hot might end up
being one of those kinds of guys. She comforted herself with thoughts of Adam
instead, to soothe the hurt.
“Come
on, you’ve got to wiggle your hips and hold your shoulders up,” Naomi said as
Sarah paraded her new boots up and down the living room in their little
apartment.
“I’m
trying. You sound like our gym teacher, Mrs. Lawson,” Sarah laughed, stumbling
as she made the turn around the coffee table.
“This
is serious business, you’ve got a day to make sure you don’t mess up again,”
Naomi said then quickly added “not that I’m saying you messed up Sarah, I just
want you to feel as good as you look. It’s like you honestly have no idea how
pretty you are. I know how hard your mom was on you and I want you to find some
happiness, you deserve it.” Naomi was staring at her with a strange look
in her eyes, almost like a proud mother. Sarah shook her head, straightened her
back and started walking again. She kept going until she could walk in her new
boots with confidence.
